The more I think of myself, the more I feel bad about myself. If being hard on oneself would be quantifiable, I am sure I would have been somewhere in the upper nineties (on a 0-100 scale). That's not the point, introspection further adds fuel to the fire. I mean, it is good to shut your mind to the cacophony of the world and silently acknowledge your inner voice but honestly, I have not yet come across my inner voice. People who do listen to their inner voice or claim that they do make it look like a very easy job and also advocate the ease of process by giving unfathomable metaphors which are illegible to those who haven't heard their own voice. I am not intimating that people should stop advising or anything, but as far as I am concerned, I like to listen only to that which charms me or entices me or incites me and I selectively ignore everything else which is thrown on my ears although it might be very compelling and befitting for the kind of situation I am in. Sounds crazy but as Issac Lidsky says in his Ted Talk, we build our own reality and passively see things which shape our reality and straitjacket ourselves to think in one particular direction to see only what we believe. I connected to it and that embedded itself into my cranium instantly.
Another aspect of self-examining is that once you realize your interests, know the things that make you happy, know what you like or what your passion is, it is often judged through the eyes of other people. For instance, if I were asked about my greatest achievement, people would expect me to cite my academic success as an example whereas I would rather wish to say, me solving a Math problem, having a good conversation with my friend, writing "Hello World" in a new computer language, making an origami gift card for my friend's birthday are some of my greatest achievements. But people expect me to report what they think or are taught to think as extra-ordinary as my greatest achievement. I would like to scream at the top of my voice and tell them that for something to make you feel that you've achieved something, it does not necessarily have to be extraordinary and magnificent; it could be very simple and humble and accepting that feeling is a great experience! But there is this other part of me which is bridled to serve the interests of those who have their eyes set upon me and servilely obey and do as they say! This internal conflict of knowing what to do but limiting myself to not doing it, burdened with the troubles of the world, is perturbingly mind-draining and despairing. The more I think of it, the more fraudulent I feel; like an obnoxious hypocrite who is giving out free advices but is himself messed up as hell and cannot help himself!
After giving my CAT exam, I felt terrible that I could not perform to my full potential and messed up in the paper. Once the exam's done , it's gone and I have no choice but to move on! Even after knowing this, I keep criticizing myself, holding myself culpable for the worst performance of my life feeling like hell everyday, even after knowing I should move on. I somehow deliberately keep reminding myself of that experience and fetching newer excuses to blame me even more and this vicious circle of self-loathing seems perpetual! I think of Ryan Tedder as he says in "Counting Stars", "I feel something so right doing the wrong thing!" and how right he is to say so! Genius is not in knowing stuff but practising what you know and that's why geniuses are hard to find! Applying things after understanding them seems unrealizable to me in the field of life .
But eventually, as Josh Radnor says, I must keep hope and believe that this is here to pass and good times are to come. And by good times, I mean the day when I start actually practicing what I read or listen or experience vicariously; for, knowing is an illusion of knowledge; behaving in concert with all that I know and applying that knowledge how much ever difficult it may be for me is what knowledge actually is, as per me!!
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