An attempt to start afresh!

     The past three days for me have been a revelation. Since Thursday evening I had been depressed, fought with my parents, on a lot of fronts, fought with myself, numerous internal bombs exploding perturbing me in my work, health was not quite good and with stomach disorders and medication I was feeling weak too. I was bed-ridden for most of the time and did serious introspection and it was quite staggering to look at myself, the way I have come across through three and a half years of my engineering. With no serious passion or zeal towards my work, I am just trying to get along somehow through this tempest of thoughts which grapple me continuously ; feelings of self-loathing, self-condemnation and a very cynical perception to all the happenings around me, life seems very laborious, dull, dry and I wish I could somehow rush the process but these three days taught me one thing. Pain is essential! It is this pain, depression and melancholy which has led to some introspection which consciously I would've not opted for selectively, given a choice. But when I was forced into this state, I realized the mess I've created of myself and the exigency to clean it up highlighted itself in front of me. 

     I have cried and sobbed and have hated myself for the state which I've gotten myself into in these 3 days. But now enough!  Because, this hate I've understood, does no good. These 3 days, I was not at all productive and sane and creative and all sorts of negative energies made abode in my mind which just drained away or sucked away the life force out of me with apparently no reason. I let them do that to me. I opened the gates of my mind to them and now, I consciously resolve to do anything and everything in my power to keep these negativities at bay and the only way which I see that happening is through work. Having a sickening work ethic that is indefatigable in nature and does not let enough energy to remain in you before going to sleep ensures your productivity while simultaneously promising the mind to not let these torrents of negative energies perturb it. 

     Today marks the begining of a new phase in my life. I pledge to work tirelessly, indefatigably and put in these efforts irrespective of the expectations of a favorable result and let destiny take care of everything else later, because thinking leads to over-thinking in which logic and intellect are shadowed by a stream of emotions which do no good but hurt the self and expect others to feel pity and sympathy for you which is a very sickening feeling to have.