Marchin' On (OneRepublic)

        

       Marchin On is the third single of the album Waking Up (2009) , which is the band's second album. Written and produced by frontman Ryan Tedder, the song was used in several TV shows like The Vampire Diares et al. and also as FIFA 2010's world cup song for the promotional events in German speaking European countries. 

       The song is one of my personal favorites as it is a great motivator, if the lyrics are carefully studied. In the times of a difficulty, maybe you are feeling sad and lonely, lost a job, lost a competition into which you had pumped all your energy, lost a loved one or any other situation when you are completely broke, the song asks to keep on moving.

       The second stanza "For those doubts that swirl ...." suggests that we haven't explored ourselves completely. We may feel an existential crisis, doubt our credibility and eventually fall into a vicious cycle of self-loathing but remember: "We are not what we've seen". For this dance (dance of life), we move with the society, our friends, parents, family, loved ones because in these times, there ain't no other step than to keep moving. Just keep doing your job and keep moving on.

       In TVF Pitchers, Naveen mentions:" Life mein koi bhi problem ho naa, uska ek hi solution hai: Sar jhukao aur kaam karo."(Video @ 5:25) Because if you do that, no matter how dark the phase you are in may be, you will some day achieve your dream and this struggle of yours, these scars that you've endured, the bonds you've made in these situation, they will make life meaningful for you. Never let these outwardly difficulties turn you against your playful heart. Keep calm and keep marchin' on.

       In moments when I am studying a subject during my exam which I detest or retrospecting on all the mistakes that I've done or  reminiscing the moments I've had with some friends who've now drifted apart, listening to this song gives me great strength and hope.

      Thank you "OneRepublic" and Ryan for such a great song! I promise I'll keep calm and keep Marchin' On however difficult the situation be. 

    

Click here to see the lyrics of the song. Click here to listen to the song on YouTube.

Mattering!

I want the world to be better because I was here.

                                             -Will Smith.

   

These words quickly etched themselves in my cranium as soon as they came in front of my eyes. And it triggered into me a different perspective of combating the fear of the inevitable oblivion. Your attempt to make this world a better place to live will buy you more years of remembrance than to be indifferent towards the world or to try and make it bad for others!


As Rumi used to say "You are not a drop in the ocean but an entire ocean in a drop". I believe in that doctrine because a need to change for adaptation always arises and I am reluctant to let go of things and change. But if I think of myself not as a drop in the ocean but being an ocean, in a drop, that I am similar in every aspect to my fellows as any drop of water in an ocean is to other drops of water, I percieve myself as the unchangeable! Water manifests in different forms : Sometimes it is in the form of a placid lake, sometimes as a turbulent tsunami; Sometimes it shows up as the quiet pond whereas at some other times, it is in the form of a deafening flood! All that changes is the form but the essence i.e. the water is the same.


Similarly, I, the true self, is permanent and unchangeable; my demeanor may change pertaining to the situation just as the form of a water-body but when viewed from an elevated level, I am everything in the world at all the times! It seems staggering to transcend this fabric of time and space from such a spiritual perspective but once identified with, nothing perturbs me! Oblivion will be the least of my concerns because as I said in the previous statement, I would have already transcended space and time!





So, decide "What I want to do" and then it's just certain to happen! All my fears: shame, embarrasment, humiliation, oblivion would all be forgotten if this philosophy of Rumi is adopted!

An attempt to start afresh!

     The past three days for me have been a revelation. Since Thursday evening I had been depressed, fought with my parents, on a lot of fronts, fought with myself, numerous internal bombs exploding perturbing me in my work, health was not quite good and with stomach disorders and medication I was feeling weak too. I was bed-ridden for most of the time and did serious introspection and it was quite staggering to look at myself, the way I have come across through three and a half years of my engineering. With no serious passion or zeal towards my work, I am just trying to get along somehow through this tempest of thoughts which grapple me continuously ; feelings of self-loathing, self-condemnation and a very cynical perception to all the happenings around me, life seems very laborious, dull, dry and I wish I could somehow rush the process but these three days taught me one thing. Pain is essential! It is this pain, depression and melancholy which has led to some introspection which consciously I would've not opted for selectively, given a choice. But when I was forced into this state, I realized the mess I've created of myself and the exigency to clean it up highlighted itself in front of me. 

     I have cried and sobbed and have hated myself for the state which I've gotten myself into in these 3 days. But now enough!  Because, this hate I've understood, does no good. These 3 days, I was not at all productive and sane and creative and all sorts of negative energies made abode in my mind which just drained away or sucked away the life force out of me with apparently no reason. I let them do that to me. I opened the gates of my mind to them and now, I consciously resolve to do anything and everything in my power to keep these negativities at bay and the only way which I see that happening is through work. Having a sickening work ethic that is indefatigable in nature and does not let enough energy to remain in you before going to sleep ensures your productivity while simultaneously promising the mind to not let these torrents of negative energies perturb it. 

     Today marks the begining of a new phase in my life. I pledge to work tirelessly, indefatigably and put in these efforts irrespective of the expectations of a favorable result and let destiny take care of everything else later, because thinking leads to over-thinking in which logic and intellect are shadowed by a stream of emotions which do no good but hurt the self and expect others to feel pity and sympathy for you which is a very sickening feeling to have.

The flipside of introspection.

     The more I think of myself, the more I feel bad about myself. If being hard on oneself would be quantifiable, I am sure I would have been somewhere in the upper nineties (on a 0-100 scale). That's not the point, introspection further adds fuel to the fire. I mean, it is good to shut your mind to the cacophony of the world and silently acknowledge your inner voice but honestly, I have not yet come across my inner voice. People who do listen to their inner voice or claim that they do make it look like a very easy job and also advocate the ease of process by giving unfathomable metaphors which are illegible to those who haven't heard their own voice. I am not intimating that people should stop advising or anything, but as far as I am concerned, I like to listen only to that which charms me or entices me or incites me and I selectively ignore everything else which is thrown on my ears although it might be very compelling and befitting for the kind of situation I am in. Sounds crazy but as Issac Lidsky says in his Ted Talk, we build our own reality and passively see things which shape our reality and straitjacket ourselves to think in one particular direction to see only what we believe. I connected to it and that embedded itself into my cranium instantly.

     Another aspect of self-examining is that once you realize your interests, know the things that make you happy, know what you like or what your passion is, it is often judged through the eyes of other people. For instance, if I were asked about my greatest achievement, people would expect me to cite my academic success as an example whereas I would rather wish to say, me solving a Math problem, having a good conversation with my friend, writing "Hello World" in a new computer language, making an origami gift card for my friend's birthday are some of my greatest achievements. But people expect me to report what they think or are taught to think as extra-ordinary as my greatest achievement. I would like to scream at the top of my voice and tell them that for something to make you feel that you've achieved something, it does not necessarily have to be extraordinary and magnificent; it could be very simple and humble and accepting that feeling is a great experience! But there is this other part of me which is bridled to serve the interests of those who have their eyes set upon me and servilely obey and do as they say! This internal conflict of knowing what to do but limiting myself to not doing it, burdened with the troubles of the world, is perturbingly mind-draining and despairing. The more I think of it, the more fraudulent I feel; like an obnoxious hypocrite who is giving out free advices but is himself messed up as hell and cannot help himself!

     After giving my CAT exam, I felt terrible that I could not perform to my full potential and messed up in the paper. Once the exam's done , it's gone and I have no choice but to move on! Even after knowing this, I keep criticizing myself, holding myself culpable for the worst performance of my life feeling like hell everyday, even after knowing I should move on. I somehow deliberately keep reminding myself of that experience and fetching newer excuses to blame me even more and this vicious circle of self-loathing seems perpetual! I think of Ryan Tedder as he says in "Counting Stars", "I feel something so right doing the wrong thing!" and how right he is to say so! Genius is not in knowing stuff but practising what you know and that's why geniuses are hard to find! Applying things after understanding them seems unrealizable to me in the field of life .

     But eventually, as Josh Radnor says, I must keep hope and believe that this is here to pass and good times are to come. And by good times, I mean the day when I start actually practicing what I read or listen or experience vicariously; for, knowing is an illusion of knowledge; behaving in concert with all that I know and applying that knowledge how much ever difficult it may be for me is what knowledge actually is, as per me!!

The bounties of simple gestures!

   The power which simple gestures like calling someone, just going over and talking to them, messaging them, a plain statement encouragement or a small pep talk is immense! I was preparing for my CAT exam today and all of a sudden my friends came over to my place and wished me luck for the exam and all of it felt so good! 

     In a purely logical sense, I would've thought their coming to my place is nothing more than an impedance to my study pattern and time table, but on an emotional level, I was surprised to find the comfort which their words had on soothing my anxiety, tension and stress. This urge to connect with people is inherently embedded within us. The cliche "Man is a social animal" is very true. At least I can say this about me that I am very susceptible and am constantly seeking validation of my work on both a self and societal level and friends make you feel needed and wanted by validating your thoughts and ideas. The idea that the work you do is essential, required and is eventually recognized and admired keeps you going through the process of doing it even if you might not feel very comfortable doing it (especially due to the situations you are in or the consequences which the action will bear), especially then! And for a person like me, who still seeks clarity on what it is that I want to do and who is just giving the CAT exam for the sake of it with no real zeal or liking for it, these simple gestures give great help and hope!

     It fills my bag of memories with something which I can cherish when I feel bored while studying or just feel like quitting when inaction is trying to take agency. I don't take this for granted and would like to thank you all in any and every possible way and promise to be there for you in moments you need just as you've been for me when I need (by the time you read, need would have become needed since it would then be in past tense by then) you the most; just like the lyrics of the friends sitcom's title song : " I'll be there for you....."!

On holding on and letting go!

     I've chosen to write on this topic because I was inspired by a podcast starring Josh Radnor and man! Every time I hear him, he just makes me fall more and more in love with him! 

     Let me start by giving this analogy of a wet bar of soap. The soap corresponds to my heart. The soap bar if pressed hard would deform and break and if not pressed enough would slip out of my hands and escape. The analogy, although evident, deserves to be elaborated explicitly. Anything that comes my way, I have to appreciate it, I have to hold my thoughts and actions accountable for what has come my way and be thankful for whatever it is that I have. May it be a good family, good house, good friends, I must be aware of their contributions and let the heart feel the joys of having them around; I am not saying that happiness should become a circumstance of possessing all of these in my life but appreciation for their presence gives a wonderful feeling which is just ineffable and very subjective, I guess! 

     As the wet soap bar would get deformed and eventually separate to pieces when pressed hard, so would the heart on overly attaching the self to anything. It could be a place which I've grown up in and am suddenly asked to move out, or it could be a relationship that did not work out but I badly wanted it to work out, or it could be a school of thought that has become self-claimed denizen of my mind (The last one is the one I've been grappling with recently). In the imminent moment, it might seem cliche that 'time is the best healer and that people move on'. It's partly true but I am not advocating that thought because the entire "time will heal" argument is very vacuous. It will rather cast a shadow on the thoughts which you are troubled with; it will not heal but merely suppress these thoughts which would be locked away and put into some deep corner of your unconscious or sub-conscious mind but a sudden impulse is capable of exhuming these memories out into your conscious mind and if this happens, they overwhelm your tiny heart with massive torrents of painful emotions.

     This is why I shall not let time take agency on this and lock these emotions by suppressing these thoughts into some deep recesses of the sub-conscious or unconscious. But, I would take time to reason out the causes of my attachment and try to invalidate them. This invalidation is justified on the basis of a single argument that it is this attachment that has caused me nothing more than pain and suffering. And if you logic your way out of it, you always have a reason to move on and next time, these memories will not storm you and rattle you and even if they do, you have a solid way of combating them. 

     But a better alternative which only experience and time can teach me is that of not holding on so tight that the soap bar would break . If I would be aware of things and not let them bridle my senses and learn to practice selective disinterest in such things, the pain of letting go will never have to be endured. That does sound more promising but it is easier said than done. That's why practicing acceptance is my motto for every future step in life which one day I hope would be realized into practice. 

Things that I learned from CAT

     Unlike all other examinations which involve a one-to-one philosophy i.e. read a specific volume of material and regurgitate it on the answer-sheet during the exams, CAT is not something which tests your recollection capacity. Nor does it test only your application skills, it tests your psyche and that is a very different experience for me!

     The nature of study which I've been doing for the past 10 years has straitjacketed my vision and blinded me to new perspectives and ways of conceiving knowledge. It was always interim and as semesters passed, I lost most of what I'd studied to oblivion; to the extent that after two to three semesters whatever had happened previously was lost to amnesia! But, with CAT, I've come to realize that everything that comes your way is potentially my teacher! Every passage, every sentence correction, every logical reasoning or bar graph question has the ability to mould the way I think in obvious as well as subtle ways. One particular example that I would like to point out is that of thinking critically! The critical reasoning section has opened my eyes! The extent to which I was vacuously haughty about my logical and reasoning skills was grossly unjustified; not that I have made leaps of progress in that field, but as the quote goes " The acknowledgement of being asleep is the first step of waking up", I am trying to progressively groom my thinking in that direction. 

     The sad thing is that the shift in the study pattern has hit like a juggernaut which has shaken me completely. Getting used to a completely new mindset will sure take its time but this change is essential to make me learn to look at the world with not your own eyes but with that of the ones who's judging you. I personally find it a sucky feeling to give up on your perception and adopt the one which the examiner/ asker of the question tries to put forth because then, it would be reduced to a monotonous paragraph which everyone has to look through a colored glass very similar to the view which every child holds towards a scenery viz. a mountain, a river, a plain and a sun with a small house having two windows and a door. But if I have to pursue an MBA, this is the direction in which I have to groom myself as I would have to look at the world with other's eyes for which the preparation of the exam helps substantially! 

     With the exam nearing, the tension is building up! Wish me luck guys :) 

     

Small pleasures

     Today was a great day! Although the plan was to see our assessed papers for the semester and leave for our homes, we took some time out, went to a hotel, had good food, had a nice conversation and passed our time happily.

     After that we went to a garden where all four of us were sitting on freshly watered grass which was cold and soothing. Just chatted away our time for an hour; no specific talks, but all general and personal conversations. There is a great sense of satisfaction in such small moments where you can just be with your friends, put all the worldly concerns in an interim oblivion and just live the moment! Last few days have been very stressful and tasking owing to preparation of a competitive exam but everything done today relieved all the tension and stress in my nerves and this feeling is worth preserving and nurturing. 

     Such things have an enigmatic aura as to why just spending time doing nothing can stimulate the pleasure glands in our body. The talks were all general, there was no feeling of having accomplished anything, rather I was killing time knowing that I have more important work to do! But, in the moment, time seemed to freeze and the moment expanded to transcend all the seams of knowledge, understanding, awareness; rather it encompassed everything into one single feeling which for me was pure happiness! Thanks for such a wonderful time :) It would be a great stress-buster in times when I would be bored of doing the preps for that competitive examination.

The allure of writing.

     For me, writing has been a great medium of expression. I discovered this not more than six months ago when out of the blue, a friend suggested that me and my group of friends should start writing a blog and do it occasionally. That thought which she implanted into my head gripped it very hard and since then, there is no turning back. The reason why the idea enticed me was because this could be a secret private space of interaction amongst our small gang (which btw still is; only the 4 of us!) which would give everyone of us an opportunity to peep into one another's heads and experience each other's thoughts, ideas, dreams and imaginations; basically explore our worlds more and more.

     Occasionally, I try to persuade my friends to write or post on our blog and haven't given up on them. I have found out that, at least for me, writing has been liberating! It allows me express things which I cannot comfortably talk or explain. It helps me express my deepest feelings, my fears, my insecurities, my likes and dislikes, my feelings and emotions in a very lucid way to others which as per my opinion would look hazy and unclear had I resorted to speech to convey my ideas and thoughts. When I write, I can think, I can make words bend in the required way so that the person I am trying to connect with can clearly get the message I am trying to deliver; unlike speech where you get a fixed time to make your point and into which people are continuously, dynamically making additions which make you loose track of what it is that you were thinking of and every single point remains either incomplete or does not get the justified emphasis which it would otherwise get if I had written it down. This is why I find writing alluring and enchanting. And dear friend, I am still waiting for you to start writing on our blog. This idea/ thought could not have been possible had you not brought it to my notice and for that, I am grateful to you. You will always have a special place in my heart and on this blog! :)

The need to have friends!

     One might be crowded with myriad of people who one believes to be one's friends but it is in moments you're broke, need to share something which others might find silly or preposterous or obscure that the true friend comes to your help.

     It is my belief that we humans are not autonomous creatures but are highly susceptible and porous creatures. We find this need to express ourselves to someone, to open our heart out, to talk to someone, to have intimate conversations with someone we love or care for. How much ever we try to inexorably avoid this fact, this is the way we are! This is where a true friend helps! He listens to your incessant blabber with genuine awe; he treats your exclamation while you talk with empathetic stares, giggles,  smiles and laughs; he makes you feel wanted and needed and that evokes into you a new sense of liveliness, vigor, enthusiasm for which we should be grateful to him. 

     Most of the times, all the motivation and inspiration and zeal of living life and doing things and being great etc. all fade away when one hits a low or falls into an abysmal pit of depression and desolation or just cannot face some terrible situation that life throws at one. You know that only you are the one who can resurrect yourself from this slumber of negativity which you've been into for a long time but the assurance given to you by your friends, directly or indirectly is a capital force in uplifting yourself from this current state of negativity. As Josh Radnor rightly says, "There are a lot of little reasons why big things happen in your life." These random acts of kindness, compassion and love which your friends do for you are few of those many little reasons.

     I am therefore immensely grateful to one and all who have contributed in making me who I am today and thankful for all such deeds of theirs.

Note: Occasionally, I have used he/him as a pronoun but there's a she/her too who has contributed a lot! :)