I set out to Shivaji Park today evening and every time I visit it, although the same people, the same surrounding and the same playground crowds my vision, a certain new perspective of looking at life emanates. First I circumambulated the park once and simultaneously observed every activity happening in the park. It seems paradoxical but the park can instill a feeling of loneliness as equally as it can make you connect with people. The park is replete with all kinds of people belonging to all age groups from different walks of life and a perspicacious observation made me realize the latter half of the former statement.To start with, there are old people socializing, talking about issues ranging from current affairs to understanding the meaning of life which I managed to get a peek at but the glares of several people seemed to accuse me of eavesdropping, so I continued further. Then, there are people in their middle ages deliberately jogging around the park listening to music to burn down their fat. There are groups of women, all kinds of women, some being very garrulous and making desultory comments mostly related to their household while some others making talks over current affairs. There were moms running after their kids who sure were cute but also hyperactive and needed constant attention. There were youngsters playing football, cricket, doing yoga exercises etc. Looking at all of these, you can re-live or project your future life which, if you think is a way in which you can combat aging, all the lapses of your life flash in front of your theatrical agent - the eye actually showcasing your life as a cinema of interconnected events. The oldies give you a sense of comfort that even if you age, you need not worry about being aloof, you still can socialize. The small kids tell you to stay rejuvenated all the time and never feel enervated. I saw a mid-aged fatso working hard to burn away his substantial abdominal flab which intimated me to persevere and work hard. I couldn't strike a cord with the women though, they did not intimate any message except that I acknowledged the pleasure of silence after being bombarded by their raucous voices.
After having completed a round, I sat in the garden which was invaded throughout by couples. There was at least one couple in a span of 10 foot-steps circumscribed around any observer in the garden. Here's where I felt the first part of the opening statement- loneliness. Although for the first half I enjoyed, rather relished solitude but I was overwhelmed with loneliness by the time I departed. For the first few minutes, I thought of the book- The five people you meet in heaven, and I was flustered with myself about the inability to remember the technicalities although I could recall the characters. I contemplated over the evanescence of memory; how what we read and write just eschews our mind in such a short time; I read the book only about a year ago. Then I started to think, if everything that I am going to read eventually will meet the same lot (fate) why read at all! Although reading academic books gives me a plausible reason to read and forget - Grades and marks, the stuff that I read as hobby and for my pleasure is constantly fleeting my memory, my mind doesn't seem to catch hold of it even though I want to remember it; kinda like this joke which world plays on you: You chase your likes and eschew from your dislikes but the world makes your likes eschew from you and your dislikes chase you at a seemingly faster pace.Then the thought of oblivion resurfaced making all of TFIOS flash back in front of me and it again made me depressed. But truly speaking, melancholy is really ecstatic and in a way it is in this state of mind that your finest performance is manifested especially because your focus has narrowed down to only one thing and you earnestly wish to do that piece of work considering it as a means to keep your mind from reminiscing the moments which have made you melancholic. In that way, depression is kind of motivating, more specifically in my case, thought-provoking, and I like that feeling too.
Also, the connect that I expect is based on the thought that everyone I want to connect to should listen to and empathize with everything I speak and do and tell and feel it with the same visceralness as I do and the worst part is, I don't expect the other person to expect the same thing from me; it's like super-egoistical but that's my nature and on contemplating over all the valuable relationships I had (which unsurprisingly might be a mono-digit figure) since my childhood, I was able to find out that all I have is my parents and a few friends from engineering, that's it. No school friend (except one) , no contact with any of the past school teachers or anyone, no great colony friends; all I thought was I am kinda sycophant when it comes to making friends, and the same applies to the teachers (except Vengserkar Sir and my current friends) and utterly selfish to let them leave and not give a damn later on. And the funny part is, of the people I know who are convivial and gregarious, most of the friends they think of as friends are not friends but mere accomplices who're only there to cherish their good moments with them. It made me puzzle on whether having more friends with whom you connect superficially is better than having a few with whom you can share your heart out with? Probably because of the fear of this small set of people I am with might not be there in the imminent year which would abruptly reduce the sample space of my friends close to nobody.
More importantly, I was wishing to seek answer to this question, but an answer didn't seem to announce even after some while and then my attention fell upon a couple who was dressed so garishly and behaving so amorously that their attire and their behavior seemed to compete between which was more egregious. They were nearly second base and it was disturbing and then suddenly my attention fell upon several other couples who were tickling and yanking each other's clothes, holding wrists together etc. which I know is couplish stuff but seemed to be incongruous to the place. I mean, this is a public garden not your goddam bedroom! Why would you demonstrate your PDA to the extent of making the person in your front feel disgustful of you! That made me sad and I left the garden. Although on thinking about the cause of sadness, I could come up with nothing but loneliness as the answer and that state seems to be kind of self-imposed; even though I am not confident about the reason, I do feel lonely but that, more than debilitating, encourages. It allows you to give attention to yourself, cater to your needs and be self-sufficient. I maybe different from many people in this regard and also it might make you think of me as a weirdo, but that's how I feel. All in a nutshell, the walk made me wistfully hedonic.
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