Appreciation for what I have been blessed with.

     It is when you feel melancholy and sad that your thought glands get an overdrive. Today as I was ranting about not being able to know my own self, I thought of the time I had to form this thought in my mind.  

     For many, life is an hectic struggle where they've to work indefatigably for hours to make the ends meet but not for me. As I have been blessed with a good house, good family and good friends, I have all the time in the world to care only about a narrow path of academics and occasionally indulge in this activity of blogging or do whatever else I'd like to. I'm immensely grateful to God for blessing me with these privileges. 

     There is a strange realization which insidiously expedites as you grow up and start thinking. This realization is that of one's own self! As a kid, doing as your parents say or emulating what others do is our modus vivendi. But as you grow up, your brain and your mind grow too. They start forming impressions, developing their own likes and dislikes, having their own opinions. When there is incongruity between my thoughts and my action which basically translate to having incongruity between my mind and my intellect, all my inspiration and motivation flunks, all my enthusiasm and zeal for anything drops and life becomes a struggle which I try to avoid by eschewing from such situations or evading them deliberately. This divide between the two widens on reading books like Flowers for Algernon in which Daniel Keyes says 'I don't know what's worse: To not know what you want and be happy or to get what you want and be alone'.

     But at night when I try going to sleep, I know they are there. Those thoughts swirl around denying to loosen their grip over you and that feeling of self-guilt, for every person, is the worst event that can happen in one's life, so worse that if a scale is made spanning zero to self-guilt hurt, no other event would hurt even one time as bad as this one. Time heals everything is the cliche which most advisors say but oblivion is the real healer and there is a weird thing about oblivion: It never works with the bad or worse that happened to you, but works only with the good moments or the moments of happiness. That could be explained by our propensity to hold on to the past and because of that, many of the happy moments could transform into those of grief, nostalgia being a common example which everyone of us have experienced in some form or another.

     Learning to live with this has been difficult and honestly, I am not yet used to this either. But this cannot be or rather cannot be made a reason not to live because there is no other choice. Having someone to share this with can sure allay the pain albeit destroy it completely; that's why I search for someone who can understand me, empathize with me and have similar thoughts as me so that she can possibly say something which would make me happy!